Santa
Claus has been relinquished to the B-list by the
worshipers of big government, so today I come to his
rescue. Saint Nicholas mesmerizes the imaginations
of young children until their logic centers cast
doubt on the legend of the charitable fat guy in a
miniature sleigh. Jennifer, a family friend,
recently told of a conversation she overheard
between Cole, her nine-year-old son, and his buddy
discussing the likelihood of Santa Claus. Cole
asked, “Do you believe Santa Claus is real?”
Cole’s friend said he did, but quickly followed with
the qualifier, “don’t you?”
Cole agreed, but mentioned there was one thing which
troubled him. “Santa visits every house on Christmas
Eve and everyone leaves cookies and milk. Santa
always eats the goodies, so why doesn’t he have
diabetes?” Every adult surprised by Cole’s astute
observation probably has milk or coffee squirting
out their nose about now and this leads me to my
point. The Kris Kringle myth is harmless. It is the
political myths which are most dangerous because
they do not disappear as one ages. One entire
political party and 71 percent of another have bet
all their chips the American public will never
discover they are being conned. More correctly, they
did not actually bet their own chips, instead they
bet the chips of little Santa-believers not yet
born. Oops, I rambled off subject, so now I will
explain why Santa does not get diabetes. It is
simple math actually.
Santa Claus only visits the homes of good girls and
boys, so his cookie consumption is not as high as it
first appears. For example, contrary to President
Obama’s unconstitutional amnesty decree, illegal
immigrants are still illegal by definition, so are
automatically on Santa’s naughty list. This removes
48 million chocolate chip cookies and nearly 2.4
billion calories from Santa’s diet. Now, let’s
examine the 65, 899,660 Americans who re-elected
President Obama in 2012. Half of those,
approximately 32 million, do not set cookies by the
chimney on Christmas Eve as they are only charitable
with other people’s cookies. This knocks 6.4 billion
calories from Santa’s snack list. The remaining 32
million, the crazy vegan type who are devout
supporters of the First Lady’s war on obesity, only
leave celery, carrot sticks and soy milk for the fat
little elf, thereby eliminating another 2 billion
calories.
Unlike Americans who enjoy the bounty of free-market
capitalism, beyond our borders most good girls and
boys suffer under various government controlled
economic systems. For example, families living under
socialism each leave Santa the same single wafer
deemed a “cookie” by the ruling government
authority. It looks, tastes and has the nutritional
value of Styrofoam, but this is better than the
communists who can’t afford cookies. Instead,
Marxists leave Mr. Claus their universal bartering
item of value—toilet paper and this poetically
brings me to the bottom line. If it weren’t for the
generosity of most Americans, Santa could starve
before completing his rounds every Christmas Eve.
Cole, coupling the reasons above with a dash of
North Pole magic is why Santa does not have
diabetes, so it is okay to believe. The scam big
government can better control your life than could
you, is the myth you should reject. Merry Christmas!
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