Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor

Tough as Nails

A little after five, the trophy wife headed out for her morning run while I ran the trails behind the house. We would meet back at the house later. As I trotted past the hangar on my return trip, I noticed the entryway lights beaming back at the house. That was odd. Coming over the Cove Ditch I spotted our friend’s SUV in our driveway. That too was odd. Once in the house, the tear stains on Druann’s cheeks and her disheveled appearance told me something was amiss. I am more perceptive than ordinary husbands. A mile into her run, the trophy wife loped past the farmhouse at the end of Golf Course Road, when Rufus, a 12-year-old Chesapeake busted out of the shadows and attacked her in the middle of the street. Like a wolf hamstringing an elk, he sank his fangs into her calf muscle and shook her violently. Miraculously, she broke free only to have him lunge again and grab her ring finger. She figured her finger was a goner. As she staggered home, she texted her friend, Lisa, saying she would not be meeting her running group as usual. Lisa gave her a ride home.

I examined the wounds before zipping to the clinic for supplies. Using a plastic IV catheter, I flushed her wounds and examined the macerated tissue bulging from the deep, two-inch tear in her calf. Thinking it best to get a second opinion from someone who specializes in hairless primates, I dressed her wounds before driving her to a walk-in clinic. Making our way across the parking lot, I expected her to walk like a grass foundered horse, but her stride was surprisingly normal. “You really should be limping,” I said. “Have you seen the size of the hole in your calf muscle?” Inside, they snapped a couple x-rays, brought her tetanus current and tied a couple decorative sutures in her calf muscle.

Back home we discussed how she could have been killed had Rufus knocked her down and grabbed her neck. The trophy wife is planning on running the trails tomorrow morning and she just might. Apparently, her many nights on rocky ground in a wet sleeping bag has rendered her a walking pain endorphin. There is only one other person as tough as the trophy wife—President Trump. For four years he has been vilified, castigated, ridiculed, and abused by the America haters. If anyone deserves a fraud-free and fair election it is he and I pray the Texas lawsuit will reveal his landslide re-election.