Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor

You Should Kiss Your Bride

A variety of things forced our February weekly running mileage from 35 to zero. It has been wretched. Anticipating warmer weather, I began plowing the 13 inches of light snow from our running trail with my Polaris Ranger—a 45-minute job, tops. A couple miles in, the trail crisscrosses three clay washouts with six-foot drop-offs and as I plowed above the third gulch, Murphy snapped the winch cable lifting the blade. I was stuck and each time I spun the tires the Ranger slipped sideways towards the edge. While pondering my options, my downhill tires broke through the snowbank and the Ranger slowly rolled on its side. Suddenly afoot, I trudged back to the house to see if the trophy wife was up for a scenic drive in the country. She hesitated until I reminded her of the “towrope extraction clause” in our wedding vows. It is a ranching thing. We drove the pickup to the ridge above the rollover and strategized. It was getting dark and I feared sticking the pickup in the draw might spoil my chance of tagging this a “cowboy date night,” so we called it a day.

The next morning, after using my Bobcat to feed hay, I zipped up the draw to the Ranger. I stretched out the towrope and flipped the Polaris back on its tires. Druann arrived just in time to jump in the Ranger and lock the parking brake to keep it from sliding deeper into the draw. With the Bobcat hopelessly spinning, I turned around intending to hook the tow strap below its rear axles for better traction. As I eased backwards, I became as disorientated as President Biden at a press conference and I inadvertently flipped the Bobcat upside down off the north bank. The trophy wife shrieked my name plus garbled phrases suggesting she was no longer living the dream. I crawled from the carnage, hustled to the hangar for the backhoe, corrected my mishaps and this brings me to my point.

In describing trophy wives, Proverbs 31:16 tells us “She considers a field and buys it,” so logically, if said wife saw her husband’s chariot upside down in said field, she would pull it to the road. However, never take the towrope extraction implication behind your marital vows lightly. Brides smile at their weddings imagining the blessings in the days ahead. Grooms smile knowing now they have someone vowing to pull them out of the ditch “as long as you both shall live.” If this makes sense or brings back memories, you should kiss your bride.