The Backside of Politics

 Krayton Kerns
9.13.06

Because I am new to the world of politics, I am relearning how to speak in the world of sound bites.  The secret to this strategy is condensing your answers into one completely meaningless but wonderfully sounding chopped sentence.  I have been practicing at my clinic and it usually goes something like this: 

<RING-RING> “This is Mrs. Brown; we’re having trouble with our little dog Streak scooting his fanny across the carpet.”

(My old answer) “Well, it is probably pain from the distension of two small perirectal sebaceous scent glands which are continuing to produce in spite of an occluded duct.” 

(Sound bite answer)  “His backside hurts.” 

Here is how it works in politics: 

(Concerned citizen) “I am very concerned about the rising cost of electricity.” 

(Old answer)  “All energy costs are rising due to a demand and supply problem.  HB #685 was introduced in the ’05 legislature requiring that our electricity be purchased from the least-cost producer.  The majority defeated that bill and replaced it with SB#415 which required that 15% of our electricity come from “green” sources.  When enacted, this could raise your electric bill 15% because if Northwest Energy can’t find local green energy they have to buy energy credits from some other utility.  Possibly 15% of your energy dollars could go to a swamp grass generating plant in Louisiana.  Unfortunately, now that we have our Judith Gap wind generators operating we have found them to be a moody source of very expensive electricity.  Coal and methane powered generators are reliably producing electricity for around $32 per megawatt.  Wind generators, if they feel like it, might do the job at $120 per megawatt.  If we could legislate that 100% of our energy come from green sources your electric bill would be four times higher than it is now and your radio would only work when the wind blows. How does that sound?” 

(Sound bite answer)  “My backside hurts too.”