Guinea Pigs and the State Budget

 Krayton Kerns
5/7/2008 

The down side to having grandchildren is now I have another generation to worry about.  Last Tuesday my granddaughter Mae attempted a politically manipulative technique commonly used by the left.  It is called the “double-down then compromise” and here is what happened: 

Meagan, my oldest daughter, was shopping the aisles of the Kalispell Wal-Mart with her kids Clara, Mae, and Grant.  It started peacefully.  Clara is four and when she passed the Hallmark greeting card display she announced that she needed to purchase a birthday card for her cat, Dora. 

Meagan was reasonably certain it wasn’t Dora’s birthday, and since Dora can’t read, she did the mom thing and said, “No!” 

Clara had a melt down.  Wal-Mart isn’t the best place to stage a tantrum because the sight of a shopper throwing themselves on the floor kicking and screaming is rarely productive.  I know because I try it all the time and my trophy wife usually walks on like she doesn’t know me. 

Meagan ignored Clara’s antics and pushed towards the checkout.  Mae and Grant sat quietly in the cart as Clara tagged behind throwing herself to the floor every few feet.  Muffled by the screams of her sister and the distracting beep of the scanner, Mae leaned towards her mother and in the broken speech of a three-year-old she mumbled, “Mom, can I have a guinea pig?” 

“No,” Meagan said as she wondered what prompted that question. 

Slowly, but not quietly, the Kimmel family checked out, wheeled to the parking lot and loaded in the car.  Being a mom is a tough job.  With Clara continuing the tirade, Mae walks up and announces, “Mom, I want two guinea pigs.”  When I heard that part of the story my mouth dropped open as I recognized the angle Mae was working.   

I have seen this exact technique played out in the legislature.  Liberal advocates for the expansion of guinea pig habitat gather in the capitol to demand a $1.4 billion dollar increase in their budget.  To prove their case they wheel out tragic examples of guinea pigs without health insurance, gambling-addicted guinea pigs and guinea pigs suffering from a medical marijuana deficiency.  It is heart wrenching. 

After a day cooling off period, the same guinea pig advocates gather again, but this time they double-down and ask for a $2.8 billion dollar increase.  Again we see the same parade of disadvantaged guinea pigs.  “This is all the fault of budget cuts of previous legislatures not recognizing this unfunded need,” they scream with even greater passion.

 At last, on day three, the liberal advocates close the deal.  “Okay, we are all adults here and we’re willing to compromise, we will accept a budget increase of $1.4 billion dollars.”

 Reporters grab their lap tops and quickly tap out glowing stories of the willingness of the guinea pig advocates to compromise.  “It is the rancorous conservatives in the House who don’t care about starving guinea pigs that are the problem,” they print.  

 After a week of media crucifixion several legislators who apparently left their spines at the dry cleaners, collapse and vote to increase the guinea pig habitat budget by $1.4 billion.  The liberal guinea pig advocates are happy.  The governor is happy.  The Senate is happy.  The media is happy.  Unfortunately, the Montana tax payer is out $1.4 billion dollars and in the next session the guinea pig budget negotiations will begin at the new $1.4 billion dollar base.  Government never gets smaller; only the taxpayer is expected to do with less. 

And there is the reason every state budget grows every session.  Saying yes is so easy when you are spending other people’s money.  My daughter didn’t have access to the “free” money in the state treasury.  The dollars came from her purse so…Mae didn’t get her guinea pig.