Looking on the Bright Side

Krayton Kerns
3.19.08 

The pressure is off.  Things pop up that makes my trophy-wife happy she married a gun-toting Wyoming cowboy of redneck ancestry who makes his living up the backside of a cow.  Monday was one of those days. 

“Okay dear,” I explained to my wife. “While you were in California for that computer conference last week I have something I should confess.” 

“Alright I’m listening,” she said with a hump in her voice. 

“I never made the bed from the time you left Tuesday morning until you came home on Saturday.  Your pillow was in the closet because it was too crowded on the bed for it and all three dogs.  The dishes were all in the dishwasher because…well, not all the dishes. Ghost jumped up on the counter to lick off the week old Hamburger Helper and a dozen of ‘em broke when they hit the floor…they’re in the garbage…the rest are in the dishwasher.  The door knob between the house and the garage that broke during the Super Bowl is still broken, but I thought about fixing it during a commercial break…once.   Tyler called and needs his final college room and board payment, so I wrote a check.  You might be a little overdrawn.  Oh, I think we are out of milk too,” I offered helpfully.  “And how was your trip?” 

Evidently, my wife was so happy to be home she started crying.  “Anything else,” she stammered?

 “There is one other thing,” I added.  “On the bright side, here is something I didn’t do:  I didn’t spend $4300 dollars an hour on high-end hookers over the last ten years, so theoretically we are $100,000 dollars richer than the governor of New York.”  (I call that my “Spitzer defense” and I think I can protect myself with it for about a year.) 

With that, my wife lovingly threw her arms around me knowing she had herself a trophy-husband.   

“I know dear,” I whispered into her ear, “you are one lucky woman.” 

Authors Note:  Since this is a political column all the guys in my district should consider this as political advice that, no matter what you do, you are head and shoulders above New York Governor Spitzer.  I’ve only spent one term in Helena so I’m not adept at wasting money. And for the moment let’s set aside the immorality of the issue, but if I hired a lady of the evening for $4300 an hour she better be giving me a great foot massage, changing the oil on the feedtruck, oiling my saddle, and reloading 300 mag. shells all at the same time.  At that rate, she should also be handy with a welder and cutting torch.