Measles, the Honor Roll, and Riding for the Brand

 Krayton Kerns
4.4.07

Conservatives took a few slaps the end of March.  We started the week in House Judiciary with SB481.  This bill directed the Attorney General to create a document explaining the legal ramifications of marriage.  Prospective newlyweds were to read, study, and sign this non-binding contract at the county clerk’s office.  Once fully aware of the commitments of civil unions, couples who then married would be more likely to remain married.  I sat unconvinced.

In Human Services we heard SB132, a bill to eliminate blood testing prospective brides for Rubella; the German measles.  (Brides negative for Rubella can be vaccinated to protect them and their babies should they become infected while pregnant.)  As “30% of Montana births are to unwed mothers, this test is no longer needed,” proudly explained the Department of Public Health.  That was discouraging news.

We finished with two bills to lessen the detrimental impact of divorce on children.  SB278 requires child support payments to include four years of college expenses.  And, SB393 demands the judge quickly order mediation in child custody disputes. “Passage of this bill is for the children,” was the mantra.  Bill proponents compared custody disputes to the pain of removing a band-aid; jerking the Johnson & Johnson off quickly hurts less than pulling hairs out one at a time.  This was more discouraging news.      

“Till death do you part” evidently means different things to different people, and that tragic fact is the root cause of much of this country’s problems.  I was thinking if there is a demand for a rule book for prospective newlyweds as requested by SB481 perhaps I should write it.  Here are the secrets I used to choose my bride of 28 years:   

 I was 16 when I spotted this girl. She was cute, she was an athlete, she was on the honor-roll, and she had straight teeth (or reasonably straight teeth.)  A check of her pedigree indicated her parents had a ranching background so I knew she was the one.  Girls of ranch origin make great wives because they are used to being broke, don’t mind long hours in miserable working conditions, and regardless of how rotten things get they always “cowboy-up” because they possess that eternal optimism that “it will be a boomer next year.”  “Riding for the brand” is just something they do.    

Certainly there must be similar low-maintenance brides whose ancestry reaches into the trades of plumbing, electrician, or civil service.  But I won’t speak of those fields as I have no experience with such ladies.  I asked one girl out and she said yes.  That was good enough for me.   

Much of the legislation I review in Helena asks me to take money from your wallet to correct a problem caused by someone who wasn’t tested for measles, didn’t check the honor roll before selecting a prom date, or doesn’t ride for the brand.  This is frustrating as it is impossible to legislatively fix problems caused by decay of the Montana family.  But, I will cowboy-up…it’ll be a boomer next session.