Politics from the Cow's Backside

 Krayton Kerns
2.20.08

“There is nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse” is a famous quote attributed to Ronald Reagan, Winston Churchill, and Will Rogers.  A couple weeks ago that quote was in my mind as I was preg-checking cows.  With my left arm shoulder deep in a cow’s backside, I was deciding which subject I should address in my next political column.  Maybe the position of bending over with your left arm above your head rushes blood to your brain.  Or perhaps there is something magical about a cow’s rectum but suddenly, the topic popped into my mind as I long-armed the 137^th cow of the day. 

With the literary brilliance of a skinny Winston Churchill in Carharts covered with cow manure I shot up and proclaimed, “There is nothing better for the inside of a politician than the backside of a cow.”  (There’s a quote for the history books.)  As usual, the cowboy running the chute blankly stared at my prophetic wisdom.  Being a veterinary politician is a glamorous occupation. 

Here is what I was thinking:  On December 19^th, 2007 President Bush signed H.R.6, the “Energy Independence and Security Act.”  It was a bipartisan bill authored by democrats, endorsed by republicans and then enacted by the President.  It is also cow manure. (That must be what sparked my thoughts while I was preg-checking.) 

The “Energy Independence and Security Act” has absolutely nothing to do with either energy independence or security.  The bill should have been titled the “Smashed-in-a-Yugo-China-Economic-Stimulus-Iowa-Corn-Farmer-Retirement Act”.  This second title is much more descriptive but it lacks the patriotic appeal of the first. 

Here is what H.R.6 requires and what each point means to you: 

1)      Auto fuel efficiency standards are mandated to magically increase to 35 mpg by the year 2020.  This is impossible without breaking a few laws of physics.

·        There is a finite amount of energy in each gallon of gas.  At 100% efficiency it will move a certain size car a certain distance and no more.

·        With today’s technologies the only way to squeeze more mpg is to lighten cars.

·        For manufacturers to average 35 mpg they need to sell 3 Yugos for every F350 4x4

·        In a collision between a Yugo and an F350 the F350 wins every time.

·        Data projects 4000 more highway deaths nationally per year due to lighter cars.

·        The cost of human injury and death was ignored in H.R.6. 

2)      Incandescent 100-watt bulbs will be eliminated and replaced by compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFLs) by the year 2012.

·        Incandescent light bulbs cost 75 cents and can be tossed in the trash.  CFLs cost $5.00 and require biohazard disposal.

·        CFLs come from China and are sold by businesses who lobbied Congress for the incandescent light bulb ban.  China gets US dollars.

·        CFLs are promoted to lessen carbon emission which is…cow manure.  

3)      H.R.6 mandates the use of 36 billion gallons of biofuel by 2022.

·        Requires the use of technologies that don’t yet exist.

·        Creates an artificial demand for corn used in ethanol production.  Essentially this redistributes tax dollars from kennel cleaners at my clinic to corn farmers in Iowa.

·        Creates a competition between food and fuel for cropland.  The food price index is at record highs and it will be going higher.  Every American who eats will pay for H.R.6 at every meal, every day for the rest of their life.

If we truly wanted “Energy Independence and Security” we would tap into our vast oil fields in Anwr and the Gulf of Mexico.  We would generate energy from the massive coal reserves of Montana and the shale oil formations of Colorado and Utah.  And we could do all of this with zero damage to the environment.  But we won’t.  Because it’s not about “Energy Independence and Security” it’s about regulation and control.  Our freedom is not endangered by our dependence on foreign oil.  It is endangered by our dependence on domestic socialism.